Here we are. Midterms. Hope you’re all excited, because I want to punch myself in the face. Just as you’ve settled into your humdrum (really, that’s the best you have to offer Word thesaurus feature?!) daily routine, your professor decides to scramble it up worse than a Spit omelet by messing up everything for everyone while laughing quietly to herself in her office because no one goes to her office hours anyway. Who does she think she is?! Assigning assignments. Despite their best intentions, our conniving professors will not get away with this. Solution: Boycott. Just don’t do anything; it’ll definitely work in your favor. Just look at Paris Hilton! Actually, on second thought, don’t. It’s a trainwreck. Look at Nicole Ritchie!
Eek, even worse.
You know what, do your work. Otherwise you might get addicted to cocaine and meth and spend all of your family’s money fueling said habit. In an attempt at digression, I have just now corrected my sleeping schedule, and sure enough come this time of 5:11 in the afternoon some two weeks from now, I will just have woken up and my mother will be questioning how I spend my nights. So while the break is welcomed with very open arms, I’m undoubtedly going to end up sleeping through a 4 o’clock class or two. That’ll show that devil of a professor.
Without further adieu, I present to you, dear reader, the ten things I’m looking forward to after salvaging what’s left of my brain after midterms!
1. Sleep. I’m sure this is at the top of many of your lists and here it appears at the top of yet another. I think I may even sleep through all 10 days of break.
2. Band Practice. As exciting as band rehearsal at school is for me, all that sitting and staring at the ceiling can only keep me riveted for so long. I get to play music that I want to play for as long and as loud as I can stand it, all while having my best friend’s mom cook me dinner every night. For those of you who play an instrument that would work well in the context of a band, make one with your friends over break. In most cases it’s a load of fun, and if you sound bad, at least you’re trying. And for those of you who play less conventional band instruments: I opened for a band that consisted of a synthesizer, a drummer who spent the first half of their songs making loops on an electronic drumpad, and a CONTRA-ALTO CLARINET! Believe me; you can make a band out of anything.
3. Chris Dave, Live in New York City. It’s actually the Robert Glasper Trio, but I’m going to the concert so I can stare at their amazing drummer Chris Dave. If you don’t know who he is, he toured with Kanye West for some reason which was almost as big a waste of talent as Tony Royster Jr.’s current touring with Jay-Z. If both of those names look unfamiliar to you, I recommend searching YouTube; but not before sitting on the toilet first because you’ll poop you’re pants. That or you’ll quit everything you’ve ever tried out of fear that you will never be as talented at anything compared to their overwhelming proficiency in chillin’ hard.
4. Big East! For our wonderful freshman class, you will soon learn that this is one of the most fun things you will have done in band. For however many days our unreliable basketball team will allow, the members of the band romp around midtown Manhattan and sit in what would normally be 1000 dollar seats. Oh yeah, and pee off the roof of a certain 17 story hotel, waving at the people in the Empire State Building the entire time. In my two years attending Big East, one of my most memorable experiences was looking straight up at all 7’3” of The Beet himself. No, it wasn’t Chad Lipman of the Disney One Saturday Morning renowned The Beets, but Hasheem Thabeet. When I looked up and saw this giant lurking the grounds of Section 20 I felt no intimidation. Instead, I laughed. This is because Hasheem Thabeet is a few strategically placed butterfly clips away from being a 7 foot 3 inch tall 9 year old girl. It’s ok, you can stop reading for a second. Go search for a picture of him from his freshman year when he had braids. Doesn’t seem so scary now, does he?
Not The Beets I was talking about, unfortunately
5. Big East. Seriously, there’s nothing better than chilling with your friends in The City. One veteran tip: bring chapstick during the winter, it gets brutal.
6. Finding Some Pop-Rocks Chocolate Bars. Just saw them on the Food Network. My curiosity is piqued.
7. Finally Finding Out Why Scottie Reynolds Stares at Me on Campus. The man stares at me anytime I’m alone and walking near him on campus. Except for one instance this October. I originally came to the same conclusion that all 4 of you who are reading came to: “But Brendan, he was probably just looking at you because you are a visible member of the band who is at every game. Or you’re nuts”. You see, I thought the same thing until the fateful day that I was sitting in Chris’ car minding my own business. There we were; Chris in the driver’s seat, and I in the backseat. The only one in the backseat. It was a breathtakingly beautiful day. I mean Jennifer Aniston in her late 20’s hot. Wait… beautiful. And on this Jennifer Anistonian day, the Phillies had a date with the Dodgers in the NLCS, and the Phillies weren’t ordering the salad. But before we could witness an analogous date on the proportions of whatever it is that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt did for their first date; in pulls a Jeep Something-or-Other, filled from chrome rims to tinted windows with groceries and Tia Grant. Of course, holding that kind of cargo, no one other than Scottie Reynolds could have stepped out of that Jeep. (Give me a break, I’m trying to overdramatize.) As Scottie is helping three women’s basketball players with their groceries, we begin to drive away. As we pull away, Scottie stops dead in his tracks, turns towards the car and stares straight at the backseat of the car, and straight into my eyes. His girlfriend keeps on walking and he just stands there staring at me for a full 5 seconds. I must get to the bottom of this. There is a reason for this haunting glare. Maybe it’s all the sweet nothings I’ve been whispering to his girlfriend from the other side of the Pavilion for the past three years. Or maybe not. Maybe he thinks I’m cute or something. He’s only dating Tia to get to me. Oh, God. I’m beyond terrified.
8. Seeing the Women’s Basketball Team Actually Play Basketball on the Court. This one is not only a shout out to the recent successes of our other basketball team, but also an excuse to quote my friend Kevin Leach in a text message he sent me one afternoon our freshman year. “I just walked past Tia. She smells like vanilla.” (Kevin Leach, 2007)
9. Watching Good Eats Even More. I already watch it way too much. God I love this show.
Now this, is a man.
10. Chillin’. I’m tired of writing at this point. But as well as getting my sleep on in a few minutes, I’ll be looking forward to not having to think at all until finals come. That’s how school works, doesn’t it?
Now that we’ve seen my list; personalized with deft retellings of anecdotes chronicling my past three years as a band member, helpful advice for our wonderful freshman class, and random thoughts conjured from the residue of Alton Brown’s whisk and Mark Summers’ otherworldly aptitude for hosting TV shows named Unwrapped, Wild and Crazy Kids, and Double Dare. We will move on to our Lead Field Reporter, Gil Morejon, who’s got the ice cold scoop of something that may or may not involve ice cream. Sandra, take it away.
Thanks Bob! As per his Cracked.com addiction, Brendan has requested that I make a humorous contribution to the Has Binn in the form of a list of clever observations. As myself, Billy, Boyko, and the aforementioned burrito consumption machine drive to Philadelphia to dumpster-dive for old records and seek out a burrito production facility, Wu-tang Clan pumps out of the speakers, and the Ghostface Killah’s deft flow serenade me to a near-dreamlike state. So with the rhymes of the Gods in my ears, I turn my attention to the question at hand: what are the top five most utterly badass attractions to be found at the clown habitat commonly referred to as the Binn? Now, I recognize the difficulties in approaching a question like this. Gil, isn’t it true that the Binn is a black hole of filth from which no enjoyment can possibly be culled? Isn’t it true that the men living there would be placed in grave danger if their closely guarded secrets were revealed to all in convenient mass e-mail format? Isn’t it true that you have better things to do with your time, such as practicing your nude chainsaw juggling routine? Isn’t it true that Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck wit? Yes. Yes to all. But never fear, dear reader, for I as your faithful navigator through the dankest bowels of the wretched domicile will provide you with the information you want, and the sass you need. So read on and learn, for the info I’m about to disclose to you may, someday, save your life.
Universally recognized as not to be fucked with.
1. The brand new, top of the line, federally-mandated and funded (under the new economic stimulus package) Miles Frangenberg urine experiment/carnival. Yes, it’s a risky venture; both the health of Mr. Frangenberg and, indeed, the well-being of the entire country are at stake. Yet Big Brother has clearly heard the cry of the people, the plea for help of the huddled masses, and he in his wisdom has decided to answer that call, in the form of paying Miles to drink twenty Squeez-Its every day and to hold it all in. Three weeks into the complex procedure, Miles has already begun to experience the expected effects: his body has mutated to process the incredible quantity of faux-fruit beverage, and he now possesses the ability to fly. Also he sweats Kool-Aid now, and his jew-fro has been replaced by some rather colorful plumage. I recommend going to his room and putting him under a heat lamp and witnessing the transfixing horror that is the Frangenberg Kool-Aid production process.
2. There is a pool in the basement. It’s Olympic size. It’s full of gold, chocolate, and titties. Check it out. I’m told there’s a high chance of contracting syphilis if one swims in it, though; this may be a good opportunity to actually make use of that full body condom you bought as a gag last fall in order to reenact your favorite scene from The Naked Gun.
3. Know the living room upstairs? Know the shelves with all the crap on them above the couch? Well, hidden behind the Binn Ratt, wedged between the two thirty-year old bottles of Thunderbird and a large growth of lichen, there’s an absolute must-see item. A small wooden box at that exact location houses the skull of an Indian shaman whose burial ground was desecrated 450 years ago in order to make way for the building to be constructed, the foundations of which would eventually be used in the construction of the Binn. They say even looking at it will evoke the wrath of the violated shaman, whose curse involves eternal damnation and being flayed to death by pygmies or something. I haven’t really done all the research on this one.
4. Architectural research has revealed that there is a sizable space between Scoop and Rob’s room, and the living room. The two walls are about three feet apart, farther than they should be. What is that space? A crack team of investigators comprised of myself, Turbo, and Tom Bryan established last week that behind the deflated Yuengling tube there is a small trap door. My fellow investigators grabbed hold of The Truth and broke it down, revealing a tiny room and a brick wall with numbers written on select bricks. Touching the bricks in the order indicated by the numbers opened a magical gateway, a portal to another world. Barely able to believe what was happening, I had found myself transported to the mystical paradise of El Dorado. Yes, I had stumbled across the fabled gilded antediluvian wonderland, and while my breath was captured by the wondrous sights of the incredible majesty I beheld, I was discovered by the natives, who mistook my modern garb (a ten dollar Aeropostale polo and a pair of Old Navy jeans) for the trappings of a God. They instantly brought me to the throne at the center of the grandiose kingdom, and adorned me with their finest gifts. Jewels, antiquities, and of course the requisite gold of a quality and quantity never before imagined by our world abounded. After making some decrees as their new God upon which their new society would be founded (dick punching is punishable by eternal damnation, Tuesdays are to be used exclusively for lounging around, and mandatory backflip practice twice a week were the first of the new divine laws) I departed, leaving behind a legacy of a God in a polo shirt the likes of which would have surely confounded archaeological researchers were they to discover the remains of the Golden City. So yeah, that was how I spent my Thursday night; what did you do on Thursday? Seriously check it out, it was pretty cool I guess.
It was sort of like this but with more gold and whatnot.
5. Finally, as some are aware, the Binn and Appendix are haunted. Much has been said about the various hauntings that have transpired at the Appendix last semester, including the continually moving shower curtains, the remote vanishing completely and its return only after an appeal to the ghost’s charity was made, the multiple sightings of a girl in a black dress walking down the hallway when nobody was there. There was also the incident of Katie feeling strangely compelled to go to bed instead of going out as she had promised to; this of course coincided with a sighting of the girl in the black dress. Lest we forget there was also the case of the wall separating the Binn and Appendix being Truthed last semester – and in the crumbling remains of the wall was found a girl’s shoe. Go behind the refrigerator and you’ll find a terrifying little trapdoor, in which we assume the girl in the black dress – the Appendix Ghost as it were – was killed. Her remains were obviously stored in the wall, and the vicious Truthing the wall received disturbed the troubled spirit’s eternal slumber. So I guess what I’m saying is, go check out the location of a dead girl’s murder and hidden corpse. It’s kind of underwhelming actually. Unless you get haunted. Then it’s just out-of-control wild. I recall being possessed by the ghost herself for a few hours one night; I ended up on top of the Wawa doing jumping jacks wearing a turquoise thong. It’s the price you have to pay sometimes, I suppose.
Are there more things to check out at the Binn than some dead girl’s remains, an old Indian chief’s skull, Miles sweating Kool-aid, a herpes-infested swimming pool, and the ancient lost city of El Dorado? I don’t think so, no, but let’s be serious; I’ve been wrong before. Like for instance when I was like fifteen and thought Disturbed was good. Or when I wrote off Spacejam as a weird closet axe murderer... turns out he’s a really nice dude! So anyway, next time you go to the Binn, take a closer look. As my experiences have shown me, even the most innocuous-looking ancient skulls and hidden trapdoors adorned with pentagrams can have interesting stories behind them. It never hurts to do some exploring. Cheers.
If you think we replicated Cracked too closely, don't worry. We're gonna mix it up in upcoming issues. Or, if you all liked it, the future will hold such lists as Brendan’s Top 5 Fruit Snacks, Brendan’s Top 10 episodes of Good Eats, Brendan’s Top 5 Moments in Tom Hanks/ Meg Ryan Movie History, Brendan’s Top 10 Multi-genre Progressive Albums, Brendan’s Top 10 Mike Richter Saves, and Brendan’s Top 10 Brendan’s Top 10 lists, thus encompassing the majority of my interests. Well good luck on midterms! Keep those brains functioning enough to crank out Cristobal at a moment’s notice. HUHHHH!!!!
Posts
